As I turned and walked away I heard the chorus play and the crowd join in singing “how can I protect you in this crazy world, its alright, its alright”. It was like he was singing to me. The irony…
It was a bit surreal. I could not fully comprehend what had just happened. It made no sense at all. I found myself very calm yet disappointed at the idea that this was okay – it most certainly was not.
There was no protection, there never was and there never will be. It was me and me alone that got to decide what happens next no matter what anyone else was choosing. In that moment I stood there and said no, that was just not happening today.
When that song had started a few minutes before I was only a few rows back from the stage. I was about 14 years old out with my friends at a concert in the park on a summers day and I got a tap on the shoulder and an immediate push. “Come on”, she aggressively invited. I had no idea who she was though I did know the girls standing behind her who were willing her on, eyes full of excitement with what was to happen next. I on the other hand found myself alone. I just remember looking at her calmly and said no…. to me the whole thing was ridiculous. She had no idea what to do with me, the girls watching on the side-lines had bemused looks on their faces – this was not what they had planned, they were there to watch me be very publicly humiliated and I just walked away. It was all very odd to me. There was a disbelief at what had just happened.
I did dismay at their intent. They went to great lengths to see what they could do to harm me emotionally and physically, whatever it took…. For what reason would you get such a rush from that kind of cruelty? Their faces light up with delight at the possibility of what was about to happen, they got the tough cousin from a rough part of the city who would just fight for the sake of it and see what would happen when they set her upon me. Then it did not go to plan for them it was quiet the anti-climax.
All in the space of that one ironic song. It was a crazy world, I could not grasp the hatred, that desire they had, to go to such effort to get someone else to do what they could not. No one wanted to protect me, no one wanted to be involved, no one even asked if I was ok and I admist a crowd of hundreds of people. When it looked like something might just happen the only people who hung around were the ones who wanted to see me harmed… It didn’t matter I was in a large crowd, it did not matter I went with friends, I was alone.
This world just did not work for me, my life did not work in it!
After years of torment, aggravation and exclusion I preferred no friends, even though it saddened me I preferred to be alone so no one could hurt me anymore. I shut myself away from the world, I did not even go outside anymore. This world was just insane, nothing made sense to me – that magical living I once knew as a small child got greyer as the years went on and it had finally quenched. I spent most of my time alone in my room. I was done trying to get by in this world, I just did not fit in. It was too much of an effort. I died inside.
I found strength that I never knew I had that day in not part taking in their reality and just walking away but I also turned my back on living for a while. This world wore me out…… I allowed it to.
Only you can give people permission to steal your joy, its only you that can turn your life grey and its you that can fill it with magic and infinite colour!