“You’ve changed”…. Some greeted me with a smile and others with a distrust in their eyes, not entirely sure what exactly it was that was different. Some put it down to my haircut others put it down to good weather and others took it very personally. They were trying to figure out what I had done to them. I was annoying them, they were avoiding me and others thought I just plain didn’t like them anymore, I was cold and distant to them.
“You have lost your feelings”, “you don’t care”, “why are you behaving like this” – behaving like what? I still laughed, I was incredibly patient with some people that were finding me tricky. I didn’t lose my temper once or behave irrationally or even get upset about it this time. I was totally willing to let them choose what worked for them and I was going to choose what worked for me. The one thing I could not do is apologise for not being able to provide what they needed to hear so they could be comfortable. I had apologised for so long for being myself, for the reaction, the discomfort and for the upset I would cause and I just grew weary of it. I grew weary of making everyone else okay and making myself wrong. Of course I would never intentionally go out of my way to upset people but it was happening anyway. There was a lot of finger pointing, keeping me on the sidelines, quietening me down, pushing me aside and I was honestly okay with that now. I had started to out create it, nobody could keep me down but me.
It’s true, I had lost my feelings and didn’t care anymore..... I was behaving like me. I wasn’t all up in peoples faces being brash about it, the key change is I made none of it wrong and trusted that if I was too much for people it wasn’t essential to have them around, I didn’t “need” to keep anyone to create my life. There are billions of people in the world and I am unique, something the world hasn't seen before (as is everyone else in the world) but there are people that are asking the same questions as me, looking to choose something so different, exploring what else is possible that we might have never considered before and looking to live beyond conclusion of what is available to us. I was filled with a wonder and enthusiasm that not everyone was else wanted….
If that what an Ice Queen is then I am one. One who is no longer willing to be at the effect of everyone elses control, everyone elses limitations, everyone elses conclusions, everyone elses choices. I am not going to pretend to be all warm and fuzzy and offer you condescending cuddles because I know I can be that massive space of kindness and caring away beyond the cutesie wootsie stuff. My caring isn’t feelings its an invitation to go on your journey, share what you know, be a possibility the world has never seen before! I’m not selling you hope, I am inviting you to change, to living your life the way you always knew possible. I have no answers for you, but I can share what I know is true for me. There is room for us all to share our brilliance with the world….. Show me what you got!