The one thing I knew I dreaded was throwing birthday parties, I have no idea why. A strange worry to have considering I knew my little guy was growing up in a world that really didn't work for me.
Needless to say I had made me wrong for this reality not working for me, I found it very hard to function in it. I would get anxious, tongue tied and not even sure exactly what I would like my life to be like as it felt an impossibility. I had desired more for my son, for him to conquer this reality, create his own, be a leader and live the way he desired. I knew I could be an brilliant mother to him that way. Much to my delight he grew up healthy and happy and whatever came his way in life never became a mountain to overcome. He was sharp and clever and a real handsome little guy. He loved sports and was just a fountain of information and enthusiasm.
Naturally as he got older he essentially needed me less and those intense hands on years had passed, a large portion of that I was unwell with injuries sustained in an accident. I had such a strong desire for him to have a full life it kept me going, sometimes it took all I had to do that and I was totally willing to do that for him.
And then I was fired as a mother, I was pretty useless to the kid. He had his friends to play with, sports to go to, creating his own reality as I had desired and now I was the mediator in between all these things keeping the show going. Those trips to the playground, the woods and the zoo were now pretty much extinct. He was all grown up! Totally ready to take on the world in his own way.
No longer being needed was a strange thing, yet a longing for something crept in. Days passed where I knew there was something for me out there I just couldn't put my finger on, for a while anyway. Being a Mom was all I knew and enjoyed, and between that and a day job it was all I could do for a few years until my health improved. I was on the cusp of a whole new reality. It was exhilarating and confusing all at once. I could dive in or run away....... I was on the verge of stepping up to creating my own reality. What would happen if I stepped out from behind my sickness, my son and showed up in my life?
Who was I anyway?