My middle name at the best of times could very well possibly be "Awkward", true story!
Have you ever had those moments for no apparent reason you just felt awkward or embarrassed or unsure what to say or do next – just plain awkward? I am getting better, its not unavoidable with me but with one handy little question I can turn all my awkwardness on its head. I ask “Is it mine?” That might sound a bit odd but that question has made awkward moments a lot easier for me.
I used to be painfully shy. I used to hide behind my sister or stand in a corner away from everyone. EVERTHING seemed awkward to me. It used to be just so embarrassing to talk or be seen. I would panic when I had to pay in the shop. I could not ask people for directions and the list goes on…….
When I ask the question “is this mine?” I now a days get a “no”. So how do I make sense of that? In one way I don’t try to make sense of it at all and on another level it makes total sense to me. Have you ever walked into a room and sensed the mood? The most identifiable is tension, you know when you walk into a room and the mood appears off, a sense that all is not well. Is it a possibility that it’s not just when you walk into a room that this can happen everywhere? Once I got this I got better at recognising it’s not mine, that it’s other peoples thoughts, feeling and emotions I was sensing, I found it easier to be myself.
I also realised that I made other people awkward, its just one of those things I am really good at and not because I’m rude, its so subtle it took me a very long time to realise it, I could not figure out why people would react when I was being myself, being relaxed and pleasant. It confused and frustrated me a lot as usually people react when someone isn’t “being nice”. Then there I am like “Hey there ” (smiley face) and people are nearly running in the opposite direction.
Poor me, eh? My desire to move forward and with simplicity and know that there was something greater to what I was seeing and the willingness to explore it can ruffle feathers. Some people laugh and say I am here to disturb the comfortable. How does it get any better than that?
I have moments of sheer frustration as at times it can seem like the universe is not in my favour, what if it is? What if there is a possibility that I can be so intensely me that it is honest, real and raw, so inexplicable as it does not fit this reality’s ways of honesty and in being so different it startles people as it does not make sense. Might awkward be a strength of mine? What if your wrongness was our strongness? Time to embrace my #awkward!